Gnats aren't Gnarly

Wrote this about the pandemic of gnats we experienced a while ago. I forgot to post it then so here it is now for your viewing pleasure.

My friends, gentlefolk of all ages, we are at war. These are troubled times which have called for the vast majority of our people to reach deep within themselves and clasp onto one final hope of overcoming the opposition. It seems Mother Nature has justly sided with us and put an end to the terrorists that have plagued our community for too long. I refer of course to the swarm of gnats that invaded from the ether. these evil sentient beings were spawned from the devil himself and sent upon us with the sole intent of ridding this world of you and I. and also to make me look ridiculous that day when I was flailing my arms around and screaming like a small child in an attempt to escape a particularly aggressive gang of these spiteful creatures. One even tried to get into my brain through my eye-socket; probably to steal my awesome ideas about how to improve fingernail clippers. Luckily, I thwarted his plan by squishing him with my eyelids, yelling profanities, tearing profusely, and finally removing his carcass with a Q-tip. Not the rapper but little miniature versions of those things that American Gladiators battle with.

Nearly two days later I was accosted again by the same gang only this time they had reinforcements. They tried to push me to the ground but I countered their attack with a quick left jab and a sort of lopsided roundhouse kick that I saw Chuck Norris do once. This only aggravated them and they sent in the kamikazes that flew at me in all directions and splattered against my shirt. I couldn’t take it anymore. I put up a hell of a fight folks, but in the end my superior size stood for nothing against their sheer numbers. I fell to the ground, mouth agape, and I swear that as I was going down I heard one of them say, "bzz," which I’m pretty sure in gnatian means, "dude, I just pooped in his mouth."

I awoke several hours later in the lair of the ferocious swarming creatures. Reminiscent of a Beatles acid trip, one of the gnats approached me and introduced himself as Gnat King Cole. He apologized to me for the attacks and explained that it was nothing personal but that the gnats didn't like my N'Sync t-shirt, claiming that the Backstreet Boys were simply far more talented on the basis that A.J. was much cuter than Joey. Anyway, they let me go, but they're still disgusting creatures. I'm just glad I made amends with them so I didn't have to follow through with my plans of breeding them out.